Thankful disappointment.

Over the last two months, I have experienced trust and faith first hand... the words in Revelation speak to my soul in a way that seems impossible to describe... but in an attempt to put all of these thoughts and emotions out there to solidify the lessons I am learning, this is my best shot. This blog has been full of lots of happy pictures lately and in the midst of that fun, God has been doing a number on my heart. As I was looking back on some of my most recent posts, I was a little disappointed... not with what has been going on in those posts, but with the fact that I haven't shared the in between stuff. I never wanted this blog to be just pictures or just the good stuff... it's the in between stuff where lessons are learned, where sometimes God brings you situations that force you to your knees in ways that only He can. But with that comes vulnerability. Putting it all out there for someone else to read? I wasn't so sure about that. When my friend Laura shared the new She Reads Truth devotion and this post about our neediness, I knew this was God tugging at my heart. 

At this moment, I can't share all of the specifics of this particular situation... the journey is not yet finished and the outcome still unknown. What I can share is this... About 2 months ago, I took a leap of faith. I sought out an opportunity that I whole heartedly believe God planned. Since then, there have been moments where trust and faith were the only things holding me together. The sequence of events that came from that first leap only confirmed a promise that I have prayed over and cried over since then...

To be honest, where I am right now in this situation is not the place I had hoped to be. The prayers that have been prayed were not for this. It is that disappointment that brought me to my knees and the one thing that got me standing again was the promise so blatantly stated in Jeremiah 29:11... God has a plan. It for prosper, hope and a future. The disappointment came when my plan didn't line up with His. But with more prayer, comes acceptance... and appreciation for this disappointment. Because with that disappointment comes the hope of knowing His plan is better and greater than mine. 

In our couples Bible study, we have been reading through Mark Batterson's book "The Circle Maker." If you haven't heard of it or haven't read it, go check it out! This book is now at the top of my "To Recommend" list... and in a way that only God could have fashioned, this book and our study completely lined up with that disappointment. The book is all about prayer and how we pray... and how we respond to our unanswered prayers or those answered differently than what we had hoped. In the book, Mark says that "when we're waiting for God to answer a prayer, it's a period of ellipsis." A pause. An unfinished thought. During this "ellipsis," we can choose to let go or pray through it. We can get frustrated that God isn't answering our prayer as quickly as we would like or maybe not in the way we would like... or we can choose to live unoffended... living a life unoffended is living a life surrendered to His sovereignty, His mystery and His love. To be completely honest, my first reaction was to be frustrated... if God knows the desires of my heart, He should know this one right? But in the very next paragraph of the book, that frustration was quickly replaced with acceptance as I read "Never put a comma where God puts a period, and never put a period where God puts a comma." 

Martha put into words an amazing statement of faith and hope when she said "Lord... if you had been here, my brother would not have died. But I know that even now, God will give you whatever you ask." (John 11:20-22) It is the even now that so powerfully communicates her faith and hope. It is faith that doesn't put a period at the end. It is knowing that God is still in control and it's not over until He says it is. 

Those two little words... even now... taught me to be thankful for this disappointment. Thankful for hard times that make me pray harder and harder. Thankful for situations where we are forced to rely on God and whole heartedly put our trust in Him. Even then... when things don't seem to line up... those prayers don't seem answered... I have to believe that even now.